I fucking hate dating apps….

This blog post was supposed to be about physical attraction and how much of a part it plays when looking for your eternal lobster but I tell you what….. I’m fucking SICK of dating apps.

I’ve been on them since April properly and I’m about as close to actually wanting to go on a date with someone as I am to fitting in a 32D bra. And let me tell you, that’s a bloody long way off.

Being bombarded with offers such as ‘I’ll pay you £1000 if you can give me a blowjob for an hour’ or ‘Can I lick your feet’…. firstly mate, if you need a blow job for an hour you’ve either met the wrong women or you have an issue getting to orgasm and I’m not about that life. Also, if you want to lick my feet, you best be prepared that my toenails need re-doing and I walk about in heels all day – it ain’t gonna be pleasant for anyone, especially me.

After being victim to 101 dick pics, and yes, all unsolicited, I am nowhere near securing a date for my BFF’s wedding next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some semi decent offers but none that really grab me or make me think ‘yes, this has potench’ (If you’re reading this Mrs F, that one was for you :)!)

I’m at the point where I genuinely want to quit. If this is what’s on offer, what actual hope do I have? I’m honestly not sure how many more messages based on paid sex, foot fetishes and ‘please message me back, I’m a great guy with so much going for me, I just need a chance to show you who I really am’ (who has a photo of a quotation about sloth goonieswomen as his profile photo and none of himself might I add). I don’t give a shit if you’re Batman, no photo, no message.

You don’t meet someone just because they’ve got a sparkling personality. I may be the nicest girl you ever meet but if I look like Sloth from The Goonies, lets be serious, my chances are likely slashed. That’s not to say that attraction is based purely on looks because it isn’t AT ALL, but it certainly is a factor when deciding if you’ll date someone. Unless of course, I’m out there on my own wanting to be physically attracted to someone. In my previous relationships I’ve definitely become more attracted to the person over time but there was always a basic attraction to them to begin with.

The thing is, dating apps do work. I’ve been there and experienced it. My best friend met her H2B on POF. A girl I follow on Instagram met her husband on Tinder. IT DOES WORK. But Jesus H Christ, how many idiots do I need to sift through before finding someone that can actually hold a conversation without the words ‘tits, dick, sex, fetish, cock, fucking or cum’ in a sentence.

And another thing – not realted to dating apps – whats with people just wanting to set you up with anyone who is available? IF THAT WAS OK, I’D HAVE DONE IT MYSELF ALREADY.

I was at an engagement party in July and a couple I know decided to say to me ‘Why dont you get to know that guy – he owns a jewellery shop – at least you know you’ll get a good ring’. LIKE SERIOUSLY! Just because you are single, it does not mean that you’re desperate to just settle with anyone. And theres no way I ever will. I’d rather be alone forever than in a relationship where I was controlled by the other person or unhappy because they aren’t right for me.

I don’t want dick pics, I don’t want endless topless selfies, I don’t want men who say ‘I’m a fun loving guy, looking for a girl that doesnt take herself seriously’ because this roughly translates to ‘I don’t want any commitment and I want you to suck my dick when I feel like it’.

I think through this experience, I’ve learnt that even though I’d love a wedding date for my BFF’s big day, I want someone I can have adventures with. Someone I can lay in bed with on a sunday and watch films with while eating an untold amount of pick n mix. I want someone I can support, someone I can make laugh and know they are there to support me too.

It’s not hard guys….. be respectful. Don’t think that just because a girl isn’t interested that she’s a slag or she’s a lesbian. Maybe just maybe, you aren’t for her. Maybe if you speak to women better, you’ll have the chance of an actual date.

Be yourselves, but show your humour. Show your interests, ask questions about the girl, ask questions to get to know her. And that doesnt include her favourite position. All that fun stuff comes later down the line! And it does come, with the right guy. LITERALLY.

I want to give up, but the strong part of me tells me to carry on and that probably when I least expect it I will meet someone who blows my odd socks off my feet. My best friend is the most positive girl I know and she always says to me that she knows I will find someone amazing. I want to agree with her every time she says it but honestly, I’m losing the faith.

If you’ve had successes with dating apps, please message me and let me know because this girl is at the stage of paying a visit to a rescue centre and picking the cats that look like she does…… kinda fluffy round the edges but a sassy as fuck personality just looking for someone to love them…….

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