Singledom – My Views

Being single in 2019.

As a 34 year old woman, I ‘SHOULD’ feel independent, empowered, sassy etc, shouldn’t I?

Being single ‘doesn’t define me’.

Except it does.

Even without people realising, they are pigeonholing me or even worse, pitying me because of my romantic situation, or to be more blatant, lack of one.

Now, I need to make it very clear that my best friends are some of the most amazing friends you can have. They support me, encourage me, build me up and dry my tears when things go tits up. I consider myself extremely lucky to have 6 other women in my life that really are the epitome of ‘women should support other women’.

However, as much as they include me, make me part of their groups, invite me out when its a couples thing and stick by my side when they know I’m single in a room full of people in love, there is a small part of me that wishes I had my ‘person’.

Some may say that this is an indicator that I am not happy in myself. WRONG.

Just because you want to share your life with someone, be it in a friends with benefits, relationship, or marriage and babies way, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy with yourself and it really needs to stop being pigeonholed as that.

I recently heard someone say that if your life is full with friends, family, work, social events etc then you will forget about meeting someone and everything will just fall into place naturally.

Whilst I agree that your life can be full from those things, it does not and will not replace the underlying needs and desires that you have in finding a match.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of women and men that say they really are not fussed about meeting anyone and are perfectly happy on their own. I salute these people. Everyone is different and has different needs in life. They are well within their rights to want to be on their own. They are happy. So why change it?

For the most part, my life is happy. But, I do want to meet someone to make memories with, to support, to go away with, to enjoy social events with, to create a future, no matter whether that means for 2019 or for 20 years.

Just because I want to meet someone, it doesn’t mean my life is not full and enjoyable. I take the view that being with someone adds extra value – value that you cannot get from your friends and family and numerous nights out drinking prosecco until you’re clearing up your best mate’s sick 🙂

My desire is not a NEED.

It is a desire. A want. A dream.

I survive life perfectly well not being in a relationship. I do not need a man to complete my life. I would just like one to enhance it.

And I feel, even typing this out, that I have to justify that I am not dependant on a man, I’m not desperate, I’m not needy, I just would quite like it at this point in my life.

Without even realising, there are people I meet in all walks of life that take pity on me because I am single.

When you go to social events and you are mingling… “Oh, so is your partner here?”

WHY IS THAT EVEN IMPORTANT?

It’s like it is inbuilt into society that it’s a harmless question to ask, and actually I do not think people give it enough thought.

Someone could have just lost someone, they could be going through a messy break up or a divorce, they don’t want to answer that question and be judged on the fact they’re attending something on their own. Yet, it happens daily.

It’s almost like it’s a given in life that people should be in relationships because god forbid you go places on your own.

I once got a response from someone “oh, you’re here on your own? Well don’t worry, there’s lots of single men!”

People make assumptions ALL THE DAMN TIME about people who are single.

They must not be able to hold down a relationship, they are too fussy, they’re obviously desperate and must be paired up immediately, maybe they are just not a nice person and that’s why nobody wants them…..

It never seems to be that people MIGHT actually just not be prepared to settle for something that doesn’t make them happy. That they aren’t going to just ‘be’ with someone because that’s what society dictates. They might want to be part of the ‘couple culture’ but not prepared to sacrifice their own mental health for it by being with someone who doesn’t treat them right.

And, just because someone may be fussy – it doesn’t make them any less deserving of a loving relationship.

Now I am in my 30’s, I hear people say “oh it will be hard to meet someone who doesn’t have kids now, at our age” and that’s fair enough, but if I do not want to be in a relationship where there are children on the scene, why should I? Just because my age is ticking by and if I don’t change my views it means I’ll be single forever?

WELL THEN SO BE IT.

I know what makes me happy. Unfortunately, and as much as it works for others, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who has got kids already. That is my own personal preference.

There is nothing wrong with single parents – my Mum was one after my Dad left and I think she did amazing, but it 100% affected the relationships she had as we were kids and her focus was us.

I guess the point of this post is that no matter how much the media pushes the ‘strong independent woman’ stance, I am human. I have feelings. I have needs and desires. I can excel in my career and be a great daughter and friend, but I can do all of that and still have a want for myself in the form of a partner in crime. Being single doesn’t detract from my achievements – however having someone help me celebrate them would be lovely.

Everywhere you look, things are more positive towards those that are coupled up. Food in the shops – single portions where are you? I don’t need 4 burgers. I need 1.Hotel rooms – I dont need a double bed, but if I want to stay in a room on my own, there are supplements. Travel – its cheaper when there are more than 1 of you. Saving for a mortgage – incredibly hard on your own unless you earn thousands and have the ability to significantly reduce your outgoing’s in order to save. Mortgage and Rent – much cheaper when two people contribute.

Life is somehow made easier when there are two of you. We aren’t born into this world with a partner, we discover them through the paths our lives lead. We don’t exit this world with a partner. We go alone, for the most part.

It’s the in-between bit that is enhanced (usually) when you find someone who makes you smile, that laughs with you, and at you! That supports you and knows when you just need a cuddle. The person you can text and they will just understand.

Typing that out, my best friend fits all of those criteria and for that I am SO incredibly lucky, but it isn’t the same. It never will be.

I don’t NEED someone to love me. I am perfectly capable of loving myself. But knowing someone does love me because I wear odd socks, because I eat lasagna AND chips on the same plate (“ooooh pasta and rice on one plate, you should really only have one, you might lose weight and have a better chance of finding someone” – “FUCK OFF SHARON, I’LL EAT WHAT I DAMN WELL WANT AND IF JAMES DOESN’T WANT TO DATE ME BECAUSE OF THAT, I’LL EAT HIS PORTION TOO”), because I would rather pay £24 for a Charlotte Tilbury lipstick than put that money into my pension fund, because I can’t reverse park for toffee…. all those silly things that make me, me.

And, ‘me’ isnt so bad you know. Sure I’ve got a few extra miles on the clock now and my boobs need a crane to confine them, but I am strong, I am independent, I am funny, kind, thoughtful, caring… I have the courage to challenge, I am not afraid of my own opinions, nor to voice them, and most of all, I’m great in bed. (Apparently). (I mean, I’ve never gotten a disclaimer signed). (But I know my strengths and I can be a sexy little fucker when I need to be). *anyone reading this that I have had sex with, if your opinion is not that I am great, let’s try again and see if I can change your mind…… HAHA! (Got to try to get it where you can when you hit your 30’s………… so they say!).

Being single does have loads of perks, you can spend all your money on you, you never have to argue about what is for dinner or what film you are seeing, you can starfish and hog the bed to yourself. Nobody telling you what to do yelling at you because you ate a whole pack of cookies in one sitting, and the best thing of all, not having to shave your damn legs every day!

But it’s also quite lonely. Regardless of how many amazing friends you have.

I am Maid Of Honour at my best friends wedding in August. A day that means so much to me. To be asked to stand beside her was such a huge honour. But I know, through my duties, and making everyone cry with my speech (hopefully) that I too will want someone beside me, supporting me, someone asking me to dance on what will be one of the most important days in my life. A day that means everything to me. I am shit scared that I will be there, alone, standing at the edge of the dance floor, feeling proud of my achievements in the day but wanting so much to have my person to dance with. And it makes me a little sad.

My best friend amazingly added a plus 1 for me because she is so hopeful that my Prince Charming is out there but I do not believe it fair to hold a place for someone who may not come. I told her to use it to invite someone she really wants there if she doesn’t have enough space in the day. I LOVE that she did that for me, but I cannot be selfish. I honestly think it was the right thing to do.

If I do, by chance, meet someone, I will speak with her and maybe ask for them to attend in the evening but the way things are currently, with me taking myself off of the dating apps to stabilise my own mental health, I am not confident.

And it may be that by August, I’m really ok about the fact I am a single MOH in a room full of couples – god, what a cliché!

But I wanted to write this to remind myself that its ok to be sad about being single sometimes. It doesn’t make me desperate or needy. It just means that I too, have dreams and that even if I’m doing ok, on my own in life, the right person would be a huge compliment to it and I shouldnt be afraid to be honest about that.

I’ve kissed a lot of frogs in my lifetime and I am so damn ready to find my Prince.

 

2 thoughts on “Singledom – My Views

  1. Barry Keane says:

    I love this description of single life! I try to explain to people who ‘pity’ me or ask if I’m looking for someone again (I’m divorced 5 years) that I’m not. But I’d be cool with meeting someone. When I list some of the things you’ve done as the pros of single life some married friends do get jealous… heh, heh! You’ve explained every aspect of it very well, the loneliness too, so I hope you won’t mind if I save it to share with one or two other single friends? Just to have in their back pocket. 🙂

    Like

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