First published July 2019.
That phrase……. “It’s ok not to be ok”.
My question though, is….. is it? Can you be honest about your feelings without the fear of judgement or criticism? Can you say things without people thinking ‘oh so that explains a lot’.
Working in HR and studying HR for the past 4 years, I have been exposed to many Mental Health situations. Not to mention seeing my friends go through mental health struggles – with some of them taking years to admit that they needed some help.
I have always been viewed as ‘the strong one’ or the girl who ‘will never let people walk all over me’, the girl who ‘always fights for what she believes in’ and ‘wont allow people to disrespect her’.
Lately, I am none of those things.
Sure, I’ve had a stressful year, with the last few months being particularly hard. Exam stress, result stress and wanting to do the very best that I can do for someone that I love very much.
In those few months, I’ve lost myself a little bit. I am struggling to be at peace with who I am as a person. I speak my mind, I am fiercely loyal and I am emotive. I always have been. Perhaps my greatest strength is the ability to show my emotions and not be ashamed of them, but this can also be my greatest weakness.
Over the past few days I have allowed my emotions to consume me negatively. Things have happened that have hurt me and whilst in the past I would have just brushed it off and laughed about it, right now, I cannot seem to do that. Things are eating away at me. I am questioning myself and my decisions. Questioning if I upset people or asking myself ‘could I have done this differently’.
All the while, feeling terrible because I feel like I am letting people down whilst needing to take time for myself. The guilt is unreal.
I like to think I have a high level of emotional intelligence. That I am very aware of people around me…. their words, language, body language. I like to think I can identify certain situations.
Currently, however, I cannot.
I feel LOST.
My confidence has gone, I feel unimportant, I feel intimidated, that people are stronger than I am and I’ll be drowned out if I dare to speak or give my opinion – I feel like I have gone back in on myself – like a crab hiding in it’s shell, and I’m not quite sure how to find my way back out of it.
And because I feel like that, I feel like I am losing control of things. And I hate it.
I’ve taken some time away from my phone because I put pressure on myself to always answer every message, to respond to people when they message, to be there at the drop of a hat when someone needs me – all the while never really thinking about what I needed for myself.
I have cried many tears the past few days. I have so many emotions floating around in my head – anger, sadness, upset, hurt. Things have happened that have made me incredibly angry and frustrated and with two sets of terribly sad news on Monday, life has just seemed MEH.
I’ve tried to be honest about how I feel but it’s hard. It’s so hard. Do people really understand? Are they silently judging you for what you’re saying or how you are reacting to stuff? I don’t know. But my brain won’t seem to let me rest – it’s telling me people are judging, or people are talking about me because of certain situations, that people think I made bad choices etc. And it is RELENTLESS.
I am also SO VERY TIRED. My energy levels have dipped. I think the lead up to my exams and my best friends hen was me surviving on adrenaline. Now they are over, my body has almost slumped and doesn’t know how to react or deal with things.
I think I need to talk to someone.
And that is really hard to admit.
I have realised that I give too much of myself. I try to make everyone else happy without thinking about what is best for me. And now, I am suffering the consequences of my own actions.
It feels therapeutic releasing all of these feelings onto paper. I don’t even know if it makes any sense.
This is the most honest post I think I have ever written. People get judged all the time for showing a ‘weakness’ such as this.
Some people make you feel like it really isnt ok, not to be ok.
Well, I am not ok. Not right now. And I am coming to terms with what I need to do to make me feel ok again….
I just needed to get my thoughts out onto a blank piece of paper and put it out there in the sense that even if you seem like a strong, fierce, fiery Lioness, sometimes you’re the prey, caught in the headlights and you really dont know which way to turn or run to escape the inevitable.
It’s not the end, its just a slightly new beginning that lies ahead.