If you don’t know about A, you can catch up here Friends with Benefits: My Experience – Part One
It was Sunday 15th December. I woke up around 2am.
It was the morning after my work christmas party and I was in a hotel, my best friend asleep next to me.
I had been quite poorly in the lead up to this party, and my cough had woken me up.
Over the past couple of months, A had crossed my mind on a few occasions. Passing his house when driving, someone at work wearing Jo Malone, my sexual fantasies…. but I had never contacted him. I thought that chapter was well and truly closed.
For some unknown reason, he was present in my mind when I woke up.
I had changed my number that year because of a bad experience with a guy, but I still had his details. I toyed with messaging him for over an hour.
Even though it didn’t end well with A, I had always cared about him and when I thought of him, I always hoped he was doing ok.
“Fuck it” I thought. He can just ignore me if he doesn’t want to talk to me.
So, I messaged him and asked how he was – it was so early in the morning, but I remembered he worked nights mostly, so figured it wouldn’t be too risky.
I dozed off, and managed a couple of hours sleep before the room lit up. I checked my phone.
It was A. He had replied. Said he didn’t think he would ever hear from me again.
I was surprised.
It was so lovely to have a ‘normal’ conversation with him. Catching up on life, family, exes etc.
The next message nearly made me fall out of bed. I am not kidding. I have never been so shocked in my entire life.
HE HAD FOUND MY BLOG. IN 2018.
I was plodding on with life and the whole time, he knew what I had written.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
AND – HOW THE FUCK DID HE KNOW IT WAS ABOUT HIM? (Then I remembered that he would obviously know because of the detail haha!)
How he found it, I will never know. We have no social media accounts connected, or any other connection ANYWHERE.
Shit. Fuck. Balls. He is going to be so mad at me for sharing such intimate details of our time together. I literally did not know what to say.
It turns out that although he admitted he had taken a bit of a bashing within the FWB Series, it had also turned him on. (Another thing that he said – he didn’t think what I had written was entirely wrong either, which made me think, A LOT, but back to that a bit later).
“A vivid replay” was how he described it.
One thing that did surprise me, as the conversation developed, was that he admitted there was probably more to our ‘situation’ than he had realised; and he mentioned that life is about growing and learning and trying to be better in the future.
WHO AM I EVEN TALKING TO?
He was DIFFERENT.
He said that both of us could’ve handled situations differently, but that there were a lot of good memories.
Too right there were.
I WAS SHOOKETH.
For context, when we first spoke in 2016, conversation was really good and I felt like I was really getting to know him, but after it went wrong, our conversations were mainly sexual, him with a wall up and me trying desperately to knock it down. We just didn’t speak like this.
Back to 2019 and I was bowled over by his maturity and how he had reacted to my posts about him – he then admitted that he didn’t know what the link was anymore so I didn’t have to worry about him finding anything else that I wrote.
That was a relief.
He had also been through something that I would never write about since we last spoke – and my goodness, he wasn’t the same A as he once was.
The conversation progressed over a few hours and it easily fell back into a very raw, uncensored, electric exchanging of words. Nothing had changed on that front, he still gave me exactly the same feelings. Knowing we both looked back on our time in the same way – it was such a huge rush of feelings; lust, need and want.
Both of us agreed that it was mad how much conversations of our experiences got us both going again. They were on fire. I had many an orgasm because of those conversations during the period we were talking again. Like, it was CRAZY hot.
The conversation started up again a week later and although there was sexual talk, there was also normal talk. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
It felt weird. But nice.
He was incredibly complimentary about me. I can’t lie – it was nice to read what he was saying.
The stuff I wrote about, I needed it with him again. I wanted to be in his bed so badly, his hands and mouth exploring all of me. Me exploring him and ensuring rippling orgasms happened.
I asked if he had read anything else in my blog and his response?
No. Because he would have been jealous.
SORRY, A. WHAT?
My mind was awash with emotions. Jealous? Over what? He had made it so clear that he didn’t give a shit about me sleeping with anyone else. HE HAD SAID EXACTLY THAT.
He asked if I got many people sliding into my messages, trying it on because of how I had written about him; and I did get people doing that but nothing that I ever took remotely seriously.
Again we spoke about knowing we had both handled certain things badly. He said that if things had happened with us now, they would probably have gone a different way.
That made me sad. But then, I never would have had the memories I do, so, silver linings and all that crap.
Christmas came and went. I wished him a Merry Christmas.
He messaged me the same a couple of days later and it was just the lovliest thing having conversations with him that weren’t about just our sexual experiences.
(Re: our sexual experiences, this conversation since mid december had absolutely bowled me over. His compliments and memories, well, it was just nice to read what he thought about me and things We had done).
If you have read the previous FWB series you will be familiar with the night we had a blazing arguement when I got a missed call in the middle of the night and I was in his bed. A lot of bad words were shared after that and its where our interactions ended.
I walked away incredibly hurt the night that happened. I knew deep down that he cared and that he had been jealous another guy was trying it on with me. Something that he flat out denied. That sent my emotions into overdrive for weeks. I knew what I felt and what my instinct was, but he made it clear that he was so sure of what he did and didn’t feel that I started to believe I was wrong and that I was confused about what it had been between us. It tipped me upside down and round and round and I let it bother me for weeks after we stopped speaking.
Had I really read the situation so wrong? I thought I had a high level of emotional intelligence. Maybe I was so involved in the situation that I couldn’t see it for what it was. Pure sex. Nothing else.
Anyway, we moved on. We had a conversation where he admitted that he was jealous that night and he did care. That he couldn’t of been as invested as he was sexually if it was just sex and he didn’t care about me. He actually said for him it was more than that and he didn’t think he had ever made out like he didn’t care.
I FELT ANGRY, AND SAD, AND SO BLOODY MAD. I WANTED TO ACTUALLY PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING FACE.
Did he not realise that if he had of been honest when I asked him this two years ago, none of the bad stuff would have happened and things might be different? Why did he hide it and make out like he didn’t give a shit about me?
His reply? It takes you stepping away and the red mist settling to see things clearly.
I had waited 2 years for a conversation like this with him. I thought I had wanted to hear it so much – that it would give me some kind of confirmation that I was right all that time ago about what I thought he felt.
Instead, it just confused me even more. He had cared after all.
THE WHOLE TIME, I HAD BEEN RIGHT.
I just couldn’t believe it.
I asked him if he thought we should leave things in the past and be friends or if we should indeed see each other again.
He said he had been thinking about it a lot and felt it was best to leave things as they were with some nice memories.
I said I respected his choice and if thats what he wanted then that was ok.
Except, he didn’t know if it was what he wanted. He was worried about expectation. Things had been SO HOT with us, he was worried he would be a let down.
I knew this would never happen. The sexual connection was way too strong for that to even be a factor and I was honest about it. I knew the sexual connection would never fizzle out and would be as strong as it was when we first met.
We spoke again for a few days but what he had said about expectation and just taking what we had and the memories etc – I couldn’t get it out of my head.
The pull towards him was still so incredibly strong and the thought of touching him again – well it sent me into overdrive. Serious overdrive. I knew, and still know, that I will forever be pulled towards him but after the admission he made, one I thought I knew all along, and how much it fucked me up when I got the answers I thought I wanted, I knew this situation probably wasnt ever going to be one that was good for me.
I messaged him on a Tuesday evening and explained that I thought he was right and we should leave things.
I instantly regretted it – that feeling of the connection slipping through my fingers, but I couldn’t take it back. It was out there. I had thought about it all day long before I messaged. I knew deep down it was right but it felt so shit saying it out loud and following through with it.
I knew deep down that being back in contact with him probably wasn’t good for me. After all, I had the answers I thought I needed and they had done nothing but fuck me up all over again. BUT, the sex. Fucking hell, the sex. It was insane with him. Nothing else came close.
I had messaged in the morning saying I wasnt happy with the decision I had made and I was frustrated with myself.
It came across completely wrong – not how I had intended at all. He thought I was angry and getting worked up – I wasn’t, I wish I’d put a bloody laughing emoji on the end of that sentence! I was so mad at myself for basically closing the door on seeing him again – emotions have always run high where he is concerned and I just wish I had taken more time to think about it.
We have not spoken since. And I’m telling you, I feel it. I am craving his touch. Even more than ever before.
I guess the moral of the story is, sometimes things are better left in the past. They may not always be the same as they once were – although A and I will probably never know if things may have been different between us this time around.
The episode in Series 2 of Black Mirror is so apt. Ash and Martha. Martha misses Ash so much when he dies that she brings him back to life, however Ash isn’t quite the same and it ends up making Martha dreadfully unhappy. There are snippets of what was there before, but ultimately, its not the same and not what she imagined it to be – even though she thought deep down that she really really wanted it.
A, you are my Ash.
I will always want to be transported back to those times.
I know I am the only person who doesn’t need to be told how to please you.
I know I have given you orgasms that shook you to your absolute core.
I know you haven’t had anything since me, that was remotely like it was with us.
I know you crave me as much as I crave you.
We may never know if it will be the same as it was before, but I’m seriously not adverse to trying to find out………….