There are hundreds of thoughts in my head. Travelling at 100mph. It is BUSY.
Navigating this situation, these unchartered waters, it is new for us both.
It is scary. Terrifying, in fact. I am putting myself out there knowing I could come out of this badly.
My friend sent me something yesterday.
“I admire people who could’ve easily turned cold after everything they’ve been through but still continue to love people anyway. There’s strength in that”
My heart has been broken before and people have hurt me, but I will give my all when I think someone is worth it because, love is amazing.
Until recently, things have been as near to perfect as they could be. Everything, from dates, to calls, to messages and photos.
Smiles, laughter, happiness. Memories.
And boom, one conversation changes everything. A conversation that we shouldn’t have had over WhatsApp. Something we should have spoken about in person to stop it from escalating. If we had seen each other, spoken through it, things would be different now. Tone, body language etc. I could have wiped away your tears.
Inexperience has placed us into a situation where we are both scared and hurting. Life is about learning. I am prepared to study and to ensure I become aware of how to navigate situations in the best way for us both going forward.
I wish you could see yourself how I see you. To know that whatever she made you think and feel about yourself, it is not true.
You are a good person. You are a good dad. You are a good man.
You have made so much progress. From the hours of conversation, we have had, I know that you have already come so far. Sure, there is a journey ahead. But that is a journey I am willing to travel with you.
I have never met anyone quite like you before. The way you so openly talk about your emotions is new to me. The way you have said certain things and not given a thought to how they may come across because you are being honest. There is a rawness to that. A shade of honesty marred with naivety. You are saying things because you do not wish to have secrets. But these things can hurt.
It is not intentional. It is not done with spite. It is you thinking it is the right thing to do and that ultimately comes from a good place. There is nothing there to be ashamed of. It does not make you a terrible person.
I am not perfect. I have flaws in abundance. Flaws that mean I do not trust easily and flaws which parade my insecurities around like showgirls at a circus.
I try my best. I try to be a good person too. It doesn’t always come across that way. But ultimately, I believe my words and actions do come from a good place.
We all have a past. a past which defines and shapes who we are. A past that may forever be in our present because of the historic choices we made.
Your past is new to me. Something I never thought I would entertain. Partly because of the insecurities I have and knowing I would struggle with certain things. But when we met, it was not even a consideration. I did not care that it would be hard, or that we may face some very tough challenges.
Because to me, the connection was, and is, so much more than your history.
The term you have used is baggage. It is not baggage. It is your life. It is part of who you are.
Everyone has ‘baggage’ of some sort. Not everyone is in an ideal situation.
I care not that you cannot give me expensive dinners and big anniversary holidays.
I care that you ask how my day is and that I always wake up to “Good Morning Beautiful”. I care that you invest time into listening to me. Into knowing my favourite foods and my favourite cocktails. My favourite childhood shows. You do all of this and it is one of your best traits. These make you considerate. These make you stand out. These are reasons I am so fond of you.
You are too hard on yourself. You hold yourself to such high accountability levels that you fail to see you are punishing yourself for things that can be worked through, together. Not everything is on you. And not everything is so terrible that you cry because you think you have hurt me too badly.
Partnerships. Teams. Working together. That’s what you do when you care about someone. Sometimes you must give more than you receive and other times you need to take more than you give. It’s called life. It’s called compromise.
You are handsome, smart, kind, considerate, emotionally intelligent, HILARIOUS and affectionate. You have good morals and know right from wrong. The good outweighs the ‘not so easy to get used to’ traits.
My dates with you have been amazing. Comfortable, relaxed, easy, fun. Everything a girl could want. You left me feeling on cloud 9 every time. Trust me when I say that that is a rare feeling. You do not find it often.
You are worth fighting for. You need to believe that. You are worth it. SO WORTH IT.
You must believe that you are worth it. I need you to understand that.
You are no less because of your current circumstance. In fact, your circumstance makes you.
You are not the bad person you think you are.
I want you to know that I am here. That I am not going anywhere. That I believe in you, in us, and what we both know this is.
Do not let fear overcome you. Do not let fear take away the memories created, and the adventures planned. Do not let fear take away what you have worked so hard to find.
You once said to me that I am a one in a million girl and you would never lose sight of that. Do not allow fear to do that. Do not allow fear to take away what you know to be true. Do not let it blindside you into believing that you are not deserving of me.
I have waited a long time for you. I have kissed an awful lot of frogs. To have met someone who ticks so many of my boxes has been a dream. If I must add in some boxes, I never thought I could tick, I am prepared for that. More than.
Because you are amazing. And I will tell you that every day for as long as you are in my life.
You deserve to be happy. To be loved. To be cared for and thought of. To laugh every day with someone that lights up your world.
I am here, to stand beside you and deal with whatever is put in our path. To work with you, not against you, to go forward with you and face whatever is thrown at us.
You told me “don’t ever be scared to tell me anything, I will always listen to you”.
Well, I’m talking.
Hand on heart, I can promise you that I am the girl you think I am.
And so much more.
You have not “fucked everything”. I am here and I am ready when you are.