I am struggling to find the words right now.
My heart broke in July. In August, you made me believe that things were going to be ok. It’s now the end of September and I’m broken all over again.
Only, this time it’s much worse. It’s a harder pill to swallow.
I agreed to try again. Despite the hurt I went through previously. Despite the fear of it happening all over again. You promised me it wouldn’t. You promised me that time apart made you realise how you feel about me. How special I am. How lucky you were to have found me.
Three weeks ago, I (WE!) went through something so unimaginably painful and heart wrenching. Something that established couples would struggle with.
Something that took away a piece of me that I don’t think I’ll ever get back.
You were there all day, on the end of the phone. But you fucked off to play football instead of coming to see me.
That should have been the point that I saw what was happening.
A man who prioritised himself over what had just happened to me (us).
When you finally came 2 days later, you were good. You said all the right things and held me all night. But I needed more. I needed you there the night I got home from the hospital. I just needed you there, I don’t know what for, or what I needed you to do. I just needed you.
You said you were fine. That you were just worried about me. That I didn’t have to worry about you because you were in a good place.
You obviously weren’t. My emotional rollercoaster was hard for you. But let me tell you, it was harder for me. The “what if” played heavily on my mind and my heart, the fact that it may never happen again for me as a 36 year old woman.
And your anger toward my emotions. “I didn’t leave my family for this”.
I wasn’t even in your life when YOU chose to leave your family. You left your family for your own reasons.
The fact you didn’t want to “sit there and be berated for making a mistake” frankly was never going to be the right thing to say to me. To say to anyone in our situation.
You then rolled out the “I don’t know if I have time to commit to something, now or at any point in the future”.
Ok, I can get on board with that to an extent because I know your history and TBQHWY it’s been a very serious few weeks, so less pressure and emotion could be just what we need. I tell you that we have to agree if we sleep with other people, honesty has to happen.
But you don’t like that. Nope. You say you need to get your head around things as didn’t we both decide that we wanted more than just sex?
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you just said you didn’t know if you could commit to me?
And you men wonder why the FUCK women get confused when it comes to emotions etc?
You should have understood that I was all over the place. That my hormones were not functioning as normal.
But you didn’t. You just told me we both needed to clear our heads. You also made an assumption that I wanted so much more right away.
No. I just needed some support from the man I’m seeing.
I really don’t think that was too much to ask. Do you?
We agreed to take time. To clear our heads. I went on my weekend away and boy did I need it. But so much reminded me of you when I was away. I sent you two photos. You didn’t even bother to read my message. Just threw me away, not a care in the world.
And then when I ask how you are, I get a WHATSAPP message ending things because YOU aren’t ready. The person who took no responsibility for what WE both created and just went about his life as normal for the last month.
Not even the decency to pick up the phone and call me. Someone you said you care deeply for.
Shame on you.
What sort of bullshit behaviour is that? Dumps a woman over WhatsApp. After everything.
I’m broken. More broken than you will ever know.
I gave you a second chance. You told me you knew what you’d lost.
Let me tell you something. You have NO idea what you’ve lost.
I am a good woman. A fantastic friend. An amazing lover. The best girlfriend you will ever find.
I would have believed the whole “I’m not ready. It’s not you, it’s me” if it was the first time you had done this.
But of course it isn’t. You had the time to sort yourself out. Hell, you didn’t even need to come back a second time. But you did.
You allowed me to massage your ego and shoulder the emotional load by myself. You allowed me to get deeper involved and your lightbulb moment has come at the cost of my emotional well-being. The ‘plastering’ over the cracks has only hurt me on a much deeper level. A level that you really do not and will not ever understand.
You wanted all the fun stuff without ANY of the responsibility of building the emotional foundations it takes to make something work. You left that to me 100%. And now I am paying the price.
You don’t want something serious.
You don’t know if you can commit.
But when I pull back and say “ok, I get it, let’s go slow and just see what happens between us” – well, that’s a fucking problem isn’t it.
I deserve more. So much more.
I am an amazing woman and you have thrown me away like rubbish.
How you have made me feel, I wish I could put it into words. My blood ran cold and I nearly threw up.
Now I have to go and mend my heart, tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me and be kind to myself because the damage you’ve caused me is catastrophic.
Trying to hold myself together for 4 hours in a car of 5 people after getting the shitty message you sent me took some strength.
I don’t know if I’m going to get through this. The damage is so severe.
I used to think I was strong. Not so much right now. I am emotionally wrecked. I know it was tough facing something like this so early on but it took both of us to do it. And it should have taken both of us to try and fix the hurt.
I have cried so hard, my eyes hurt. Big bursting sobs in the shower.
I expected more support from you. Just an understanding of what was happening to my body and my mental health.
But, you couldn’t give it to me. On any emotional level.
And I DO deserve more than that. I deserve someone’s patience and understanding after what happened. Someone to make sure I’m ok whilst being mature enough to talk about his own feelings and not guilt tripping me for being mad that your support was not what it should have been.
Now I have to try and deal with my hurt. As well as the loss I will always wonder about. You have absolutely smashed my heart to pieces.
But if I can get through this, I can get through anything.