I, like many others have found it hard to try and sum up what 2020 has meant for me.
There are more emotions than I care to recognise when closing the lid on this ginormous pile of steaming shit that called itself 2020.
My life pre-pandemic was, I thought, everything I wanted. January 2020, I have a good job, a good salary, a good friendship group and I can see my family whenever I want, as well as eating alllllll the chilli squid that Wagamama has to offer.
Fast forward 4 months and what I valued previously is of no bearing anymore. I just want to see my family and my friends. I want to be able to walk round Tesco without the fear of someone coughing all over me. I miss picking things up – I am a ‘touchy’ shopper and not being able to pick up a selection of prosecco to look at the bottle/label etc is just not something I am used to.
Coupled with working in HR and the rules changing every single bloody day, 2020 was fast becoming a year that I was keen to see the back of.
I stopped watching the news. It hurt my heart too much.
That was likely the biggest emotion of 2020 for me – hurt. Being an empath has its perks but mostly it causes worry and anxiety about others and feeling too much for them whilst not thinking about yourself.
This is something that I vowed to change later in the year.
My priorities changed hugely.
Whilst having to look after others in my job, I simply couldn’t do the same in my personal life, no matter how much I wanted to. So, I started to think about myself more.
My goals became more selfish. I thought about what I wanted for myself and spent time training myself to care more about myself than other people. And please believe me when I say that this does NOT make you an asshole. People think that when you start saying no and you become more honest, that it automatically makes you an asshole. It doesn’t. What it does mean is that you stop meeting the expectations of others and you focus more on what is best for YOU.
So, I started a side hustle. To help me achieve my own goals. Nobody else was going to do that for me. There is no Mr Belle, nobody there by my side every day facing every problem I encounter in life with me. My friends are wonderful but they all have their own lives and 2020 bought them their own struggles.
My side hustle has bought me so much more than money. It taught me that I am so determined and resilient. That if you put the work in, you can achieve whatever you want! And don’t allow anyone to tell you that you can’t. I watched a series this year and there were two friends on there. Their motto was “whether you think you can, or you can’t – you’re right!”
You have the power. It’s like what Glenda told Dorothy. You have had the power all along, it’s just believing that you do, and that you absolutely can.
2020 has been awful. But it has also shown me who I am.
I have done things this year that hurt some people I care for deeply. I did not do those things out of spite. I did them because they were the right things for me. I said some things that I had to say. And it hurt people I love. It’s not always easy knowing that you have done that – but the one thing I hold on to is that I have been true to myself. If I feel the need to speak up, I will. I will try not to be an asshole but sometimes that is just how it comes across. You can choose to dwell on this or accept that you aren’t always going to be everyone’s cup of tea. It is tiring worrying constantly. And pointless. It does nothing except rob you of your ‘today’ – and if 2020 has taught us anything, it is that tomorrow is never promised. So try not to worry. Easier said than done but I am going into 2021 worrying less about what people think and concentrating on myself.
I am strong, determined and eager to reach my own goals. If you come along for the ride then fair enough – it’ll be good to have you with me.
I had so much I wanted to say about 2020 but rather than dwell, I will just say…. treasure every single day. I have seen so much loss this year, in my own life, my friends lives and in strangers lives. One thing I am grateful for is the bubble I have who are there for me every single time without fail – you know who you are. My family, my best friends, my online confidante’s.
I may have lost experiences in 2020, holidays, weekends away, nights out etc, but I have gained a strong sense of self, a determination to succeed and a true understanding of who my ‘people’ are.
2021 can only be better. There is no way it can be any worse than 2020.
I am spending tonight reflecting on my year and making plans for what my 2021 will entail.
Above anything, 2021 will be for me and me only.
I look forward to being selfish – and there is fuck all wrong with that.
Don’t conform just because you think you have to. You do YOU.
Never forget who you are. Some may not like it, but ultimately, that is their problem, not yours.
Be brave, be bold, be yourself.
Make 2021 your year.
Love Belles xx